by
Suman
Sanghaik
Anger
is a silent killer. Here
are some basic dos and don'ts
to keep in mind when you are feeling
angry:
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1. Do speak up when an issue is
important to you.
Obviously, we do not have to address
personally every injustice and
irritation that comes along. To
simply let something go can be
an act of maturity. But it is a
mistake to stay silent if the cost
is to feel bitter, resentful or
unhappy. We de-self ourselves when
we fail to take a stand on issues
that matter to us. 2. Don't strike while the iron
is hot.
A good fight will clear the air
in some relationships, but if your
goal is to change an entrenched
pattern, the worst time to speak
up may be when you are feeling
angry or intense. If your fires
start rising in the middle of a
conversation, you can always say, "I
need a little time to sort my thoughts
out. Let's set up another time
to talk about it more." Seeking
temporary distance is not the same
as cold withdrawal or an emotional
cutoff.
3.
Do take time out to think and
clarify your position.
Before you speak out, ask yourself
the following questions: What is
it about the situation that makes
me angry? What is the real issue
here? Where do I stand? What do
I want to accomplish? Who is responsible
for what? What, specifically, do
I want to change? What are the
things I will and will not do? 4.
Don't use "below-the-belt" tactics.
These include: blaming, interpreting,
diagnosing, labeling, analyzing,
preaching, moralizing, ordering,
warning, interrogating, ridiculing
and lecturing. 5.
Do speak in "I" language.
Learn to say, "I think..." "I
feel... "I fear..." "I
want..." A true "I" statement
says something about the self without
criticizing or blaming the other
person and without holding the
other person responsible for our
feelings or reactions. Watch out
for disguised "you" statements
or pseudo"I" statements.
("I think you are controlling
and self-centered.") 6.
Don't make vague requests.
("I want you to be more sensitive
to my needs.")
Let the other person know specifically
what you want. ("The best
way you can help me now is simply
to listen. I really don't want
advice at this time.") Don't
expect people to anticipate your
needs or do things that you have
not requested. Even those who love
you can't read your mind.
7. Do try to appreciate the fact
that people are different.
We move away from fused relationships
when we recognize that there are
as many ways of seeing the world
as there are people in it. If you're
fighting about who has the "truth," you
may be missing the point. Different
perspectives and ways of reacting
do not necessarily mean that one
person is "right" and
the other "wrong."
8.
Don't tell another what
they think or feel or "should" think
or feel. If another person gets angry in
reaction to a change you make,
don't criticize their feelings
or tell them they have no right
to be angry. Better to say, "I
understand that you're angry, and
if I were in your shoes, perhaps
I'd be angry too. But I've thought
it over and this is my decision." Remember
that one person's right to be angry
does not mean that the other person
is to blame.
9. Do recognize that each person
is responsible for his or her own
behavior. Don't blame your dad's new wife
because she "won't let him" be
close to you. If you are angry
about the distance between you
and your dad, it is your responsibility
to find a new way to approach the
situation. Your dad's behavior
is his responsibility, not his
wife's.
10. Don't participate in intellectual
arguments that go nowhere. Don't spin your wheels trying to
convince others of the "rightness" of
your position. If the other person
is not hearing you, simply say, "Well,
it may sound crazy to you, but
this is how I feel." Or, "I
understand that you disagree, but
I guess we see the problem differently."
11. Do try to avoid speaking through
a third party.
If you are angry with your brother's
behavior, don't say, "I think
my daughter felt terrible when
you didn't find the time to come
to her school play." Instead
try "I was upset when you
didn't come. You're important to
me and I really wanted you to be
there." 12. Don't expect change to come
about from hit-and-run confrontations. Change occurs slowly in close relationships.
If you make even a small change,
you will be tested many times to
see if you .really mean it." Don't
get discouraged if you fall on
your face several times as you
try to put theory into practice.
You may find that you start out
fine but then blow it when things
heat up. Getting derailed is just
part of the process, so be patient
with yourself. You will have many
opportunities to get back on track...and
try again.
Life is what you make of it... |
